The Terminology of Befuddlement
Boaters, like other enthusiasts, use terminology for the sole purpose of the befuddlement of non-enthusiasts. Here are 17 of the words intended for this purpose.
#1 Luggles - non-boaters, aka… land lubbers aka… softies; people who live in houses, drive cars, indiscriminately flush their toilets, use electric kettles and spend more than 120 seconds in the shower. Not yet in common parlance (I’ve just coined the phrase and hope that it catches on.)
#2 Windlass - (pronounced as in “Gone with the Wind”) a cranked tool fashioned from aluminium, stainless steel, or some other metal alloy. Used to wind up (pronounced as in, “Kenneth, don’t wind up your sister”) lock paddles. Some lah-de-dah boaters will use a windlass with a ratchet built into it otherwise they get confused as to which way to turn it around. When there are no Luggles in ear-shot boaters simply call them “lock-keys”.
Elsan - Stern - A Windlass - lock key
#3 Elsan - a proprietary brand of concentrated toilet disinfectant known for its distinctive blue colour, noxious smell and piquant taste. The name has become synonymous with the receptacle into which boaters poo and the disposal stations into which they empty the deposits made to the said receptacle.
#4 Galley - the kitchen. When Luggles are out of earshot boaters will refer to it as, “the kitchen”.
#5 Pump-out - lah-de-dah boaters, who don’t fancy emptying an Elsan every five days or so, store up their poo in big holding-tanks for three-weeks then, after once attempting to use a CRT self-service facility, called a pump-out, pay £25 for a boatyard to pump out their tank for them.
A staged photo of someone using a pump-out
#6 Narrowboat - a canal boat less than 7ft (2.1m) wide with a maximum length of 72ft (22m) and steered with a tiller, rather than a wheel. Luggles erroneously (and hilariously) refer to them as “barges” or “longboats”.
#7 Gunwales - (pronounced as in “former Olympian Sally Gunnell’s plans for huge caravan site were thwarted yesterday”) where the edge of the hull meets the cabin side, literally gun whale where on ships they mounted harpoon guns to shoot whales. On the outside of the boat it creates a convenient ledge to walk/shuffle around the boat. On the inside of the boat it creates an inconvenient overhang on which to occasionally smash your head.
#8 Calorifier - is an indirect-fired water heater providing hot water in a heating and hot water system. Water is heated by running the engine, or by a diesel (or gas) powered central heating boiler or by electric immersion connected to 240v shoreline, or a combination of the above. When Luggles are out of earshot boaters call them “boilers”.
#9 CRT - The Canals & Rivers Trust - the charity responsible for the upkeep of over 2,000 miles of waterways. Much derided by floaters (see #12) - especially those who flout the rules made by the CRT and those who don’t pay the licence. As in, “What have the CRT ever done for us? Apart from maintaining the water-points, the pump-out and elsan stations; repairing the aqueducts, the bridges, the towpaths, the lock gates and lock mechanisms; managing the water levels; protecting the wildlife; dredging the canals” etc. etc.)
#10 Winding Hole - a place to “wind” (pronounced as in “Whistle Down the Wind”) turn around your boat (and, ipso facto, your life). Luggles will be familiar with the inconvenience of missing a motorway-junction and the next one being 15 miles on… for boaters missing a winding hole can add two weeks to their journey. Winding Holes come in all shapes and sizes and selecting the right one appropriate for your craft is important. As the owner of a 67’ narrowboat who winded (pronounced as in “boxer Casey Donovan reveals she winded herself and punched herself in the nipple during a painful boxing mishap”) in a 64’ winding hole, I can attest that it’s a tad inconvenient being wedged at 90° across a canal.
#11 Coot - waterfowl of colour. These little bobbly black birds are actively encouraged by Floaters (see #12) to nest on, in and around their craft. They will hang tyres, boxes and homemade pontoons to facilitate the coot’s nest building. If the coot obliges this means they legally cannot move the boat (the boaters, not the coots). Section 1 of the Wildlife and Countryside Act 1981 states that it is an offence to intentionally take, damage, or destroy the nest of any wild bird while the nest is in use or being built. And that law trumps any rules made by CRT or Environment Agency limiting the length of stay for the floater. The proliferation of coots in London suggests that the practice there is widespread. This small bird with its white beak and feathery feet has a call like a clown’s car horn. When a flock of fifty-four of the little fuckers start hooting at 3:44am the romantic notion of the “dawn chorus” loses much of its appeal.
Coot - Fulica atra
#12 Floaters - “There are three types of people on the canals,” explained the pilot of an 80-tonne hopper barge we met one day, “boatmen, boaters and floaters. Boatmen are people, like me, who work the waterways. Boaters are people like you. People who pay their licence and move around the network in accordance with the rules and regulations. And floaters - they’re the people who live aboard but don’t pay their licence fee and don’t move when they’re supposed to. They accumulate in certain locations like turds round the outflow pipe at a sewage works.”
#13 Bow - (rhymes with wow) the pointy end of the boat
#14 Stern - the blunt end
#15 Aft - another term for the Stern
#16 Midships - the middle bit between the pointy end and the blunt end of the boat.
#17 Pound - a body of water, or sludge, between locks. The means by which boats travel the short distance between one lock and another or remain put (grounded) for an hour or two until water is added by draining water from the pound above. In towns and cities they are regarded as a useful alternative to refuse disposal facilities provided by the local authority.
There are many other terms and phrases that boaters use, such as starboard, port, sherry, rope, and anchor and a definitive list would be too onerous to compile. Feel free to add others in the comments below.